Five Reasons your Child is Defiant and What to Do about It

Dr. Rachel Gall

As a parent, I understand how frustrating stubborn and oppositional behavior can be. My kids' lives (and mine!) would be so much easier if they just did what I asked them to do when I asked them to do it. But if we label a child as "defiant" or "oppositional," these labels can stick. In fact, sometimes labels can create even more of a barrier to getting the care you need.

Here are a few reasons your children might be exhibiting defiant behavior and what to do about it.

One: Anxiety

Anxiety tells us that things are out of control. We react by clamping down on the things we can control - defiant behavior can be camouflaged anxiety. Maybe you're feeling stressed at work and you spend all day organizing your inbox instead of that project your boss has been asking you to prioritize. Maybe you are expecting an uncomfortable meeting with your child's teacher, and you are late because your kitchen "urgently" needed a deep clean. We all do this - kids too.

What to do about it: Help your child learn to tolerate anxious feelings. Provide empathy and closeness as they're going through these feelings, and encouragement that they can handle tough situations.

Two: Lagging skills

It is natural to hold expectations for our children based on what we think a child of that chronological age "should" be able to do. We think that they should be able to do their laundry because we did our own laundry when we were their age... but they're down to their last pair of socks with no sign of inspiration. We think that they should have planned ahead for that big school project... but it's due tomorrow and they're screaming at you and refusing help.

This behavior can seem contradictory and confusing. But sometimes your child really, truly does not have the skills to execute the task. A child who throws a tantrum while getting ready each morning may actually not have the fine motor skills to get their shoes on. A teenager who's skipping English class may have actually missed some instruction on how to construct an essay. A child who constantly picks fights with their sibling may be lacking emotion regulation or conflict resolution skills.

What to do about it: Observe your child with openmindedness, compassion, and objectivity. When they're struggling, what skills can you identify they are lacking? Child development is not linear - all kids develop different skills at different rates. Giving a consequence to a child who is not capable of executing a certain skill is not going to help them develop that skill. It's more helpful to compare your child to themselves. Help keep them on their growth edge by teaching them the skills to get to the next step, whether you're talking about literacy skills, emotion regulation skills, or fine motor skills.

For more on the connection between defiance and lagging skills, check out Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child. I rarely recommend parenting books, but this one's a gem!

Three: Needing autonomy

There are some kids who, after being told to hurry, slow to a crawl. You might suggest an activity you know they'll love, only for them to reject it, and then they come up with a "new" idea exactly like the one you suggested. They were going to clean out their backpack, but then you asked them to clean out their backpack, so now they aren't going to clean out their backpack because they wanted it to be their idea. Sound familiar?

Some people have higher needs for autonomy than others. This might be related to a phase like toddlerhood or teenage years where the child is working on the developmental task of feeling competent and independent. It might be related to a parenting style, for example, a controlling parent might elicit stubborn behavior from their child. It might be related to neurodivergence or a PDA profile. And it might just be a child's temperament or personality - some kids are just born like this.

What to do about it: Support your child when they are exhibiting a need for autonomy. Give them more independence and agency by offering choices, problem-solving together, and asking for their opinion. Resist the urge to clamp down on control and engage in a power struggle. Send the message that you believe in them, you trust them, and you'll be here when they need support.

Four: Overwhelm/shutdown

For some of us, when our responsibilities pile up, we feel so overwhelmed that we shut down. This is a self-protective mechanism - it's a "freeze" response in the face of threat or danger. Our capacity to complete these demands is overwhelmed, so we become paralyzed - we can't think, we can't move, we retreat into ourselves. This type of reaction is more common in neurodivergent children, but can be seen in any person who feels chronically overwhelmed or burnt out.

A "freeze" response can look like defiance - for example, a child who is asked to clean their room, when they can't even see the floor, may see an insurmountable task. When the parent gets more and more frustrated, the child feels inadequate, anxious, angry, ashamed, or vulnerable. These feelings are so distressing and painful that the child will do anything to try and not feel this way - they might immerse themselves in a book or an art project and not respond to your questions. They might act out, screaming, "I hate you!" or try to run away. They might engage in self-harm such as hitting themselves or saying "I'm so stupid." They might regress and act childish or silly.

What to do about it: This type of reaction is directly related to kids' ability to self-regulate. Everyone has a point where the stress of the environment exceeds their ability to cope - for some kids, that threshold is really low. This is a nervous system response, so we need to allow the nervous system to return to baseline. For some kids, this takes half an hour or so, for others who feel chronically overwhelmed it could be much longer. Reduce all requests of your child in the meantime. These kids need lots of recovery time to reset their nervous system, lots of autonomy, encouragement to trust themselves and listen to their body, and to build a toolbox of self-regulation skills.

Five: A conduct issue

You may have heard of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which is a controversial diagnosis of childhood behavior. While it is possible your child has ODD, in my professional experience it is far more likely that one of the above reasons accounts for your child's behavior. However, if you are concerned about your child's response to authority, a lack of remorse, or lack of empathy for others, consult a mental health professional.