Three Conversations to have with your Teen about Porn
By Dr. Rachel Gall
Get ready - we're about to turn the world's most horrifying parent-child interaction into an engaging, thought-provoking, and, dare I say it, even fun conversation!
Before you dive in, I'd suggest reading the article about the guiding principles I use when talking about uncomfortable or stigma-laden topics with teens.
Conversation One: Porn Isn't Real
OK, duh. When I say this to teens, they roll their eyes. Of course they know that porn is a fantasy. At the same time, porn often functions as a template for what "good sex" looks like in a way that is completely out of our awareness. As sex educator Amy Lang says, learning to have sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching The Fast and the Furious!
But let's take it a step further with some critical analysis. Take a deep breath and try out one of the following conversation prompts!
When we watch porn, whose bodies are we being told are desirable? Think about weight, ethnicity, age, amount of body hair, and other visible traits and identities. Why are these traits considered attractive? Why not others? What type of body is over- or under-represented? Why?
What type of sex is being portrayed? Are there certain ways of initiating sex, ending sex, or angles or positions that are shown more often? What type of sex isn't represented?
When we watch porn, who holds the power? How do you tell who is in charge in a scene? Are there personality traits the actors take on that reinforce power differentials? What happens if you look through a lens of gender, ethnicity, body size, or more? What stereotypes are being reinforced?
Who is funding the massive porn industry? Where does the money come from and what does the money pay for?
How do you both (parent and teen) think that watching porn affects teens? Is there an age where it is OK or not OK to watch? Do you have any friends whose porn usage is concerning?
What do you think are the effects when a teen who is a regular porn viewer begins a sexual relationship with another person? Would you have concerns about desensitization to physical or emotional cues? How would they handle issues around consent? What assumptions might the person make about what "good sex" is or what healthy sex should involve?
Conversation Two: Genital Non-Concordance
Alright, Gen X and Millennial parents - here's a bit of knowledge that was seriously missing from whatever meager sex ed we received in schools. This information is essential for teens to know so they can understand their bodies' physiological reactions without a sense of shame.
We first need to understand physiological and psychological sexual arousal. Physiological arousal is an involuntary response to sexual stimuli that involves increased heart rate and blood flow to the genitals, lubrication, erection, etc. as our bodies prepare physically for sex. Psychological arousal is how "turned on" we feel in our minds - perhaps we feel excited, playful, or a sense of sensuality or desire.
Here's the kicker - these two systems don't always align. Sometimes our brain can be turned on, but our genitals don't respond (think: erectile dysfunction or someone who needs a lot of foreplay). And sometimes, our brain is VERY turned off, but our genitals become aroused. Genital non-concordance is defined as a mismatch between the sensations in our genitals and how "turned on" we feel.
A helpful metaphor is tickling - most of us laugh when we get tickled, but laughing is an involuntary reaction. It doesn't necessarily mean that we like it or want the tickling to continue.
When we draw conclusions about what turns us on based only on the response of our genitals, we could really get it wrong. If a person watches violent pornography, for example, and experiences a physiological genital response, they may incorrectly come to believe that they are turned on by violent porn. In actuality, this person's brain might be feeling afraid, disgusted, ashamed, or distressed (and definitely not sexually aroused), but they are making an erroneous conclusion based only on how their genitals are responding to sexual stimuli.
It is so important not to base our conclusions on these involuntary physical reactions - our genitals are wired to respond to all sexual stimuli, but only our brains know if we are actually feeling turned on. This knowledge has important implications for healthy sexual relationships that are based on respect, communication, and mutual pleasure.
Conversation Three: The Ethics of Porn
When we view pornography, we only see the actual sex acts, not what's going on behind the scenes. Here are some questions to get you and your teen thinking about the ethics of porn viewing.
What are your beliefs about sex work? What informs these beliefs? What messages have you have received from family, religion, school, the media, friends, or other sources?
Is there such a thing as ethical porn? How would you know that you were viewing it? How would you know that the actors were adults? How would you know that they were consenting enthusiastically rather than being coerced? How would you find out if they had been trafficked? How would you know if the actors were sober during filming? How would you know if they were being paid, and if so, how would you know if they were being paid fairly? How would you know the actors were being protected against STIs?
Are there certain websites or avenues for viewing that you think would be more or less likely to exploit the actors? Is there any other information you would need to determine if you were viewing ethical porn?
If you were advising a company that produced porn, what business practices would you recommend? Think about policies around payment, sexual health, mental health, consent, and ethics.