Is it Just a Phase? How to Know When your Kid Needs Therapy
By Dr. Rachel Gall
All parents know that kids go through rough spots here and there. Remember those few months when they were a baby when you thought you'd never sleep again? Remember when they wouldn't stop biting their classmates in preschool, or when reading just didn't "click" for them like it did their peers? You know your child best - sometimes, they just need to struggle their way into a new phase, with your support, comfort, and encouragement. Not all problems need intervention.
However, there are times when professional help is needed. But how do you know when you've arrived at that point? Asking yourself the following questions about persistence, distress, and impact can help you know if it's time to see a therapist.
Persistence: How long has the problem gone on?
Sometimes a phase is just a phase. Maybe you thought your child's separation anxiety would resolve once they moved up a grade and got a new teacher, but they still seem to be having trouble. Maybe you thought that switching schools would resolve your child's social challenges - but you've offered a listening ear, done your best to understand what's going on, and given some suggestions, and the problem is still sticking around. It might be time to see a therapist if the problem has been going on a long time without resolution.
Distress: How upset is your child about the problem?
Distress in children can manifest in different ways - hyperactive behavior, oversensitivity, tearfulness, aggression, or withdrawal. Especially if there are safety concerns like self-harm, risky behavior, or suicidal thoughts or gestures, or overnight changes in concerning behavior, it is important to seek therapy right away.
Impact: What areas of your child's life are affected by the problem?
The more areas of your child's life that are being impacted by the problem, the more likely it is that your child needs support sooner rather than later.
Mood: Are they newly irritable, angry, or aggressive? Are they tearful, sensitive, withdrawn, or hopeless? Are they blaming themselves for problems outside their control?
Hygiene and self-care: Are they having trouble getting to sleep or oversleeping? Are they eating in a way that is typical for them? Are they showering and caring for their body and appearance? Has their appearance changed drastically?
Executive functioning: Do they seem distracted, forgetful, disorganized, have trouble turning in homework, or overwhelmed with school projects? What is the state of their room, locker, or desk?
Behavior: Has your confident child turned into a kid who's so worried about school they refuse to leave the house? Are they engaging in unsafe, illegal, or risky behaviors? Are they bottling things up or lashing out?
Relationships: Is your child picking fights with friends or family? Are they appeasing their friends or not standing up for themselves? Do they seem to be getting the support they need from their friends?
Nothing is harder as a parent than to watch your child struggle. You may feel scared or helpless when thinking about your child's problem, or you may feel angry or blame them, their friends, or other involved adults. It's possible your child is shutting you out and saying you wouldn't understand, or maybe you are exhausted by constant, intense fights. If you decide the time is right for your child to see a therapist, it is important for that therapist to help you understand your child's behavior, give ideas and suggestions for how you can help, and support you in reconnecting with your child during these challenging times.