Five Guiding Principles in Talking with Teens about Uncomfortable Topics

By Dr. Rachel Gall

As a psychologist and sex educator, I've heard it all. It's a privilege to be confided in - embarrassing questions, private confessions, and worries about what's "normal." I think I would be surprised if I was surprised by anything!

When it comes to having conversations with your own kids, it's a little different. If you begin a conversation with the goal of changing your teen's mind, teaching them a lesson, or getting them to do what you want, they'll see through it a mile away. Teens are hypersensitive to any autonomy being taken from them, and will rebel or shut down if they think you're telling them what to do.

To get to this point of feeling comfortable talking with anyone about anything, I ascribe to a few principles that help guide these conversations.

Increase Self-Awareness

I don't like being put on the spot before I've had time to deeply explore what I believe about hot-button topics, especially not by teenagers! They're too quick, too smart, and have too much sass for me to be caught off guard. Being aware of my own thoughts, feelings, reactions, beliefs, biases, and assumptions about these topics helps me stay level-headed during these conversations.

Many hot button conversations can be anticipated, such as drug use, sex, or social media. Take a deep dive into your belief system. Where did you first learn about the topic? How was it presented and what messages were told to you? What information was missing? What guidance did you need from your parents at that age? What would you like to do differently as a parent? Where are you open to challenging your beliefs? What fears do you have about your child's behavior? What values do you hold around this topic?

Be Open-Minded

It's important to approach conversations without judgment or assumptions. We often default to assuming our children or their friends are heterosexual, for example, or that they couldn't possibly have done that drug we're warning them about. Check your assumptions and use language that includes examples with a range of people and situations.

Demonstrating that you are open-minded not only sets the stage for more open conversations, but also opens the door for the future. When you show your teen that you aren't judging their friends' choices, they are more likely to come to you when they have similar concerns.

Stay Neutral Unless Asked

I don't take a position on anything with teens unless I am asked. Teens hear so many opinions from adults about what they should do - I don't want to be yet another adult giving unsolicited advice. In addition, teens are often skeptical when they think adults are using scare tactics to convince them. I will share information, but I want to send the message that I believe they hold the responsibility to make their own informed decisions.

That means I present information without judgment, especially for topics that are loaded with stigma, shame, or fear. For example, you can say, "Hey, I just learned that the most common STI symptom is no symptom at all! What do you think about that?" rather than, "You should always use a condom or else you'll get an STI." You can ask your teen what questions they have and how their opinion has shifted with more information or with observing their friends' decisions.

Presenting information in a neutral way leads teens to form their own opinions, and they may even ask you what you think. When your own kid is genuinely curious about what you think, tell them! This is an appropriate time to share your values and belief system. Tell them what your family believes in, share your hopes for them as a young person, and share, if you feel comfortable, stories about how you dealt with similar situations when you were their age. And then, tell them that you're always here for them no matter what decisions they make.

Teach Critical Thinking

Instead of telling your teens what to think, teach them how to think. Teaching critical thinking helps teens come to their own decisions, which has more staying power than attempting to persuade, punish, shame, scare, or moralize. Having conversations where you engage in critical thinking together with your teen can be fun, intellectually stimulating, and a way to connect.

Teaching critical thinking involves knowing how to examine an idea. We take it apart to reveal its composition and expose assumptions, flaws, and inconsistencies. We ask "why," we are willing to change our minds, and we look at all the influences, including beliefs and messages we hear from friends, family, and the media. We break down the information we think we know, and put it back together in a more complete form.

Practice Harm Reduction

I like to sum up the concept of harm reduction as "Do the less harmful thing." Being on social media for 5 hours a day is less harmful than being on social media for 6 hours a day. Eating chips for dinner is less harmful than skipping a meal.

A harm reduction approach accepts that people might do things that aren't very good for them. The goal is not necessarily to eliminate the behavior entirely (that's called an "abstinence" approach). The goal is to lessen the negative consequences of harmful behaviors so that people can lead fulfilling lives - that means, for example, if your kid is planning on piercing their own ears, they should know how to sterilize a needle (eeesh!). Instead of evaluating whether a behavior is right or wrong, we help a person decide whether the behavior is beneficial or not beneficial to themselves.

Part of being able to determine for ourselves whether a behavior is helpful or harmful is to have access to information. As parents, we often worry that if children have all the information, they might make a bad choice. Yeah, they might! But in the absence of information, they will make assumptions, get information from their friends, or turn to the internet.

Of course the information should be developmentally appropriate, but I would personally prefer my children get accurate information from me a bit on the early side, than have to do damage control and correct misinformation that they already learned from social media or that chatty friend with an older sibling!