DEFCON 1: My Kid Just Saw Porn!
By Dr. Rachel Gall
At this moment, you might be feeling like the worst parent in the world. Why didn't you get that new internet filter set up? Why didn't you talk to your kid about internet safety? What if your kid is scarred for life?
Rest assured - you are not alone. In this day and age, we teach children to enthusiastically Google things they are curious about. It's not a big leap for your inquiring 3rd grader to mischievously type "butts" into the search bar and then be sucked down the rabbit hole of the internet. In fact, the average age of pornography exposure is during the tween years, whether the exposure was intentional or accidental.
But just because age 10 or 11 is the average age of exposure doesn't mean that this is "normal." Most children have no context or understanding of what pornography is because it is so far beyond their maturity level and ability to understand. And, it can bring up feelings of awkwardness, embarrassment, fear, and shame for parents.
Here's a five-step guide for how to have this conversation with your child.
Step 1: Thank your child for the conversation
Take a deep breath and let your kiddo know it's OK to talk about. It's important to set the stage for this conversation with an invitation of openness, confidence, and collaboration.
"I'm so glad you shared this with me."
"I'd like to talk to you about something that might feel uncomfortable for both of us - and I know we can do it!"
"I'm so grateful we have a relationship where we can talk about anything."
"I'm so glad we learned that you saw that website so we can talk about it and understand it together."
Step 2: Ask your child how they feel
Children can have all sorts of reactions after viewing pornography. Common emotions include confusion, being "grossed out," fear, upset, distress, curiosity, embarrassment, or arousal. It's important to explore your child's reactions and provide an empathic ear.
"What did it feel like when you saw it?"
"That must have felt really confusing/scary/embarrassing."
"What's it like to talk about this with me?"
Step 3: Provide information
Now's the time to explain what pornography is - pictures or video that are created with the intention of arousing the viewer sexually (side note - this is the difference between art and porn). Sexual arousal is a feeling in a person's body and mind of wanting to touch or be touched sexually, and many people describe this sensation as exciting, warm, or tingly, especially in the genitals. Some adults like this feeling, so they will watch pornography.
Step 4: Set a limit
This is a great time to share your family's values and belief system - what does your family believe about pornography use? Some families may believe that this is not OK for anyone of any age, and some families may believe that this is something that only adults can consent to participating in or viewing.
Reassure your child that they are not in trouble, and that you will do your best as the adult to prevent them from seeing pornography in the future. Say what you will do to keep your child safe from these images in the future - perhaps you will increase internet filters, talk to their older sibling who showed them this content, or enforce a rule about devices only being used in common areas.
Ask your child to let you know if they ever see pornography again, whether on their device or a friend's. Let them know that they also need to be careful to not look for that content, because it is not safe or healthy for children to see.
Step 5: Keep checking in
Most kids will be just fine after being exposed to pornography, and it's also important to keep checking in. "Hey, did you have any more questions after that conversation we had about pornography yesterday?" "What was it like talking about that?" It's also typical for children to have bad dreams, intrusive thoughts or images, or act out. These reactions will likely subside after they've had a chance to talk through their feelings with you and understand what they were seeing.
If you think that your child's reaction is out of character, intense, distressing, or prolonged, or if they are reenacting what they were exposed to, it is important to consult a therapist.