How to be your Kids' Conflict Resolution Coach

By Dr. Rachel Gall

As a parent, the sound of my children happily playing together warms my heart. I make a cup of tea and get settled into the couch, delighted that I can actually open my laptop and get some work done. But then the inevitable happens - the shriek, the anguished cry, and the Olympic-caliber sprint down the hall, each of them vying to be the first to reach me so I can adjudicate their grievances against the other.

Sound familiar? Maybe you are a teacher or school counselor, tired and frustrated with kids tattling on each other and hearing yourself say, for the hundredth time today, "Just ignore them." Maybe you're the laid-back parent who is content watching your kids duke it out, confident that they'll work it out eventually. Or maybe you jump in and scream "GIVE IT BACK NOW!" in the hopes of quickly deescalating the situation before you blow a gasket.

What is your own conflict resolution style? Does disagreeing with someone out loud strike fear into your heart, or are you quick to argue and prove your point? Many of us feel like we didn't learn effective conflict resolution when we were kids - maybe you watched your parents bicker endlessly, or maybe you had an older sibling who was abusive, or maybe you had a parent who retreated to their room for half an hour and came out with puffy eyes and a forced smile on their face.

All of that to say that your kids may not actually have the skills to work out their conflicts. We can't expect our kids to have these skills without having been directly taught. Like teaching any other skill, there is a developmental progression. You will need to be much more involved at the beginning, taking the role of a coach who is constantly encouraging your players, assessing their abilities, teaching and scaffolding specific skills, and giving just enough independence so you'll know they'll succeed and learn from their mistakes, and not be in over their heads.

The next time your kids are fighting, try out these three steps. I'm going to be honest - it takes some time, especially at the beginning, to wrangle your kids to make these conversations happen. But over time, you will be pleasantly surprised at their ability to solve their conflicts by themselves! And remember - none of these steps are sufficient on their own. They are each unique skill sets that will serve them well as they grow up.

Step One: Separate and cool down

When we are emotionally escalated, it's very hard to think clearly. Separating your children is usually necessary so they can access their rational and empathetic abilities when it's time to work it out. Sometimes, kids need to be separated for their own safety because a fight has gotten physical. Other times, they're seeing red and just need time to cool off in a way that doesn't hurt themselves or others. You can say, "Things are getting too aggressive and it is time to take a break. Once we all cool off a bit, we're going to come back and figure this out together."

Instead of viewing separation as a punishment or time-out, frame this as an opportunity to practice some self-regulation skills. What helps them feel calm? What helps them gain clarity with their emotions? Journaling, deep breathing, art or Legos, listening to music, or snuggling with a pet are all common ways that kids can help themselves cool off. Ask your child what works for them!

Step Two: Practice empathy

It's nearly impossible to have empathy for another person when we feel that we have been wronged. Cooling off is only the first step - kids need practice seeing another person's point of view in a conflict.

First, they need to have the language to articulate their own feelings. Help them construct an "I statement" in the following format: "I feel ____ when _____ and I wish _____." Help your child identify their own emotions and experience. Ask them to rephrase their I statement if it comes out as blaming.

This is an I statement that needs some work: "I feel like you were mean when you took my headband and I wish that you would never touch my stuff again."

This is an honest and realistic I statement: "I felt sad when you took my headband and I wish you would ask me if you want to use my stuff."

Help your children share their I statements with each other and summarize the other person's emotions and perspective. For example, "I hear you saying that ____," or "If that happened to me, I would feel ____."

Step Three: Help kids generate solutions

Now that your kids have cooled off and practiced stepping into each other's shoes, help them repair the conflict by generating solutions.

Repair may, or may not, involve an apology. When we force kids to apologize, we are encouraging them to be dishonest. And when we force kids to forgive, we dismiss their feelings and their hurt. It is hard to not get an apology when you feel you deserve one. But more important than an apology is the ability to truly repair when we have hurt someone - and when a solution feels good for both parties, an apology usually happens too.

Help your kids talk together about what would help the situation feel better. Resist the urge to solve it for them - let them generate their own solutions. It's important to model tolerance for discomfort - send the message that it's hard to be in the middle of a fight, but you trust that they'll figure out a way to repair the conflict that works for everyone.

For younger children, the act of repair is usually transactional... and sometimes their solutions are, well, weird. "You broke my art project so I'll let you break one of my race tracks." "You can tell me that I have stinky breath." "I'll let you wear one of my socks tomorrow." If the solutions work for both of them, you've got yourself a deal!

For older children, it's important for them to hear from the other person what went wrong, what they regret, and what they would like to do differently next time. Older kids will likely want to hear about the effort that their sibling will be putting into ensuring this doesn't happen again, and the steps they will take to increase their awareness, take responsibility, and be accountable for changing their behavior.